Pen Pal Wars

メル友戦争


[in the halls of Chaldea]

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Master, where are yooou? Your Caster is looking for you~

Mash:

That’s… Tamamo. I wonder what’s up?

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Oh, Master, there you are. Excellent timing.
Then, let us be off right away. Come, this way. Come, come, come, come!

  1. Where are we going?
  2. Um, you’re clinging to me a little too much-

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Why, we’re going on our honeymoon, of course! ♡

Mash:

Oh, so that’s what it was- Eh!?

[later, on a beach]

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Mmm! Blue skies! White sand! Clear water as far as the eye can see!
Isn’t this just perfect weather for a honeymoon, Master?

That said… (glances)

Mash:

…… (frowning)

Fou:

Foh…

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Well, I suppose we’ll just have to suffer a pest or two.
Oh, how about some refreshments? My sweet be-lo-ved~♪

Dr. Roman:

I don’t even want to ask, but why is this happening?
No, I really don’t want to know, okay? Actually, fine, just tell me.

Tamamo-no-Mae:

About that, please hear me out. Yesterday, I got an e-mail from my pen pal Kiyohime-chan.

“Today, I went out with my Master who is also my lover.
It was a so-called secret date, you see.
By the way, Tamamo-san, how are you and your Master… Ah (nvm). I’ll mail you again sometime♪”

The nerve! That’s the kind of e-mail she sent me!!! What the heck is that “nvm” supposed to be!?
Honestly, youngsters these days… even that shut-in Osakabehime-chan claims to go on “chat dates!!”

Now that it’s come to this, I won’t just take it!
So, I was thinking we could take a lovey-dovey photobooth picture together and send that to them. That’ll show those two…

Mash:

Erm… In other words, it doesn’t matter if it’s with Senpai?

Dr. Roman:

That’s right. She just wants to brag about how well she gets along with her Master.

  1. …So you were just playing me, Caster.
  2. …Let’s sever our contract, Caster.

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Oh, no, no. Not at all! It’s true that I, Tamamo, have promised my soul to another.
Though, the question of what dimension that person might be in, or even what sort of character he or she is, eludes me. It’s like it’s shrouded in fog.
But, that’s another matter altogether!
Esteemed Gudao, you have my adoring respect for forming a pact with a Reverse Hero such as I without so much as a grimace!
I have spurned countless gentlemen and committed countless crimes, but I offer my entire heart and soul to you–
That is the truth of Caster Tamamo-no-Mae!

So, perhaps I overspoke when I said honeymoon. But maybe it’d be honest to call it a vacation? Or something like that? Tee hee.

Mash:

……

Dr. Roman:

Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got hostiles on the sensors. Yeah, it looks like you’re in lamia territory.
Oh, you’re surrounded pretty badly. Huh? The talk was more important? Pardon me.

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Good grief, what now, of all times!? Argh, very well.
That depressed feeling you get when you meet a friend for the first time in a while and it turns out they got married with children on-
Um, lamias, was it? I’ll take it out on them!!!

  1. Got it, I’ll play along!
  2. Yeah, I know the feeling.

Tamamo-no-Mae:

That’s my Master! Tamamo’s Serious Level just went up!
And now, for the customary intro. Ahem.

Even without an order, she’s on the scene! Today, your dependable fox priestess Casko-chan graces this southern beach with her presence!!!

[battle]

[later, in a forest]

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Isn’t it nice to relax in the mountains, Master?

  1. You’re right.
  2. Let’s take our time…

Mash:

How did it come to this…?

Dr. Roman:

You’re asking me?

Fou:

Foh…

Tamamo-no-Mae:

So Master… (ringtone)
Oh, what is it now…
(beep) Oh, mail from Kiyohime-chan? Let’s see…

“Today, I went shopping with my Master who is also my husband.
Where should I start? My Master gifted me some Occidental clothes at a famous boutique in France.
Honestly, I don’t even know what to say. By the way, Tamamo… Ah (nvm)
I’ll mail you again. With love from France, Kiyohime-chan”

Again!? Like I said, what the heck is with the “nvm”!?
Besides, her partner is definitely being played!

  1. Not Kiyohime-chan?
  2. Her partner!?

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Yes. To put it lightly, Kiyohime has a terribly obsessive streak, unlike myself.
She has a habit of falling in love at first sight. The object of her interest takes over her thoughts and affections, even if they’ve never spoken before, and she simulates the relationship in her mental virtual reality, progressing to the point that they’re already married, until in the end she traps her partner in a bell and burns them alive. That’s he type of girl she is. I’m awfully worried about her partner…

Mash:

…We should have brought lunch.

Fou:

Foh…

Dr. Roman:

Oh, hostile readings again right when things settled down… Wow, this time you’re in wyvern country.

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Again??? Honestly! All I wanted was to make some memories with my Master. That does it! Pen pals are pen pals, but I don’t think I can tolerate any more bubbly airheaded e-mails from this girl! I’m reaching the limit of my patience!!!

  1. At your wits’ end, I see.
  2. Of course you are!

Tamamo-no-Mae:

I don’t care whether you’re winged dragons or flying monster lizards, but that feeling when you meant to do something meaningful on Sunday, but just ended up lazily watching TV all day, took a bath, and before you knew it you were lying on the the floor wondering what you’ve been doing with your life…
I’m taking it out on you!!!

Mash:

…Right now, I definitely feel the same-
Ah, Senpai! I was kidding! I’ll do my best!!

[battle]

[later, in Chaldea]

Dr. Roman:

You sure had a fun day yesterday…

Mash:

Seriously, what was that?

Fou:

Foh…

[door opens]

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Ahhh, Master~! Big trouble! There’s big trouble~!

  1. What’s wrong?
  2. Another e-mail?

Mash:

What is it this time? Don’t tell me you got a double date invitation from Osakabehime?

Tamamo-no-Mae:

No, Osakabehime-chan is… The innocent maid is head over heels in an online romance right now.

The problem is the ever-active Kiyohime-chan. She’s been, well, dumped. I think.

  1. Huh?

Tamamo-no-Mae:

Yeah, she lost her temper and is turning everything around her into a fiery hell.
I thought I’d just ignore it, but she is an important friend of mine, after all.
We had a cooking date with that forked-tongue Benienma-chan, too.
Sooo, with our loving hearts more abiding than the sea itself, I thought we’d go together to put a stop to her tantrum!!!
Friends should support each other at times like these, don’t you think?
Though, we’ve never actually met.

Now, come! Come, come, come, come, come! Let us heal Kiyohime-chan’s wounded heart with the strength of our bonds! Of course, there’s no ulterior motive here. Nothing ulterior at all, yes?

Oh, you with the shield. Since you’re here, would you like to come too?

Mash:

I’ll respectfully decline. Senpai, please be careful you don’t get burned to death.

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