Get Drunk, Get Crazy, Get Furious

酒に酔い、酒に狂い、狂に滾って


Shuten-douji:

Well, well. You picked a nice time to show up. Since you’re here, you might as well come a little closer.
I was hoping for someone to drink with. Come on, sit next to me. I won’t bite.

  1. Don’t mind if I do…
  2. …This is my room, though.

[1] Shuten-douji:

You’re honest with yourself. There’s a good child.
Don’t be shy — sit closer. …Fine, then. I’ll come to you. Hee hee hee.

[2] Shuten-douji:

Darling, don’t worry about the details. We’re both in this together.
What do they call us again? “Masutaa.” “Sah-banto.”

Shuten-douji:
Oh, that bespectacled girl isn’t with you? She’s always clinging so closely…
All this time, I thought you were a straight shooter. But I see I was wrong.
Not that I mind. Who cares about her? Now, a toast.

  1. I can drink after I turn twenty.
  2. I’ll have water.

[1] Shuten-douji:

Oh, my. What a spoilsport.
And they say that the world is full of men who would die to have me serve them wine.
Are you still afraid of me? You wound my maiden’s heart…

  1. Maiden’s… heart?
  2. But your horns…

[you get donked on the head]

Shuten-douji:

Oops, my gourd slipped. Careless words can lead to disaster, you know.
…Anyway, isn’t this scenery a little drab? I’d like to dress up and watch the moon while I drink, but there’s no leaving the compound.
All I could do was drink and admire flowers. So, it makes sense to involve you, doesn’t it?

  1. Do you like flowers?
  2. You’re a woman of fine tastes.

[1] Shuten-douji:

Well, yes. I love wine most of all, then flowers, then beautiful boys…
I don’t have a fourth favorite, and my fifth is the moon.¹ I love beautiful things, and things that make me feel pleasant.

[2] Shuten-douji:

Oh, my. But that’s not quite true.
Poetry and literature weren’t to my liking. It just irritates me when people tiptoe around their feelings.

Shuten-douji:

…Hm? What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?
The oni of Mount Ooe were nothing special. I was but a drinker of wine.
Well, I did eat humans, but I certainly wasn’t as savage about it as Ura and Ootakemaru were.
Oni are oni. We’re not so different from humans, you know.

  1. What, specifically, did you do back then?
  2. What kind of oni were you, Shuten?

[1] Shuten-douji:

Hmm…

[2] Shuten-douji:

Hee hee hee hee. Are you sure you want to know? You might regret it.

Shuten-douji:

All right. It’s not like I meant to hide it.
For you, I don’t mind answering a question or two.

Now, where to begin…
Should I start from the time I returned to the Land of the Sun? My memories before then are vague.

  1. You went back to Japan?
  2. What do you mean, before?

Shuten-douji:

Oh, didn’t you know? There was a time, long ago, when I was on the mainland…
But nobody talks about that. I believe the stories weren’t passed down to later eras.
Well, I don’t mind either way. In any case, I returned to the land of the sun.

I stumbled around the capital, and I tottered around the river. Before I knew it, I was drinking with a most dignified resident of Mount Ooe.
Ibaraki, was it? Ibaraki-douji. She helpfully guided me to the den of the oni.
Even the oni have their dignitaries. There was much to appreciate on that mountain.
Then, I lived quite happily.
I drank when I wanted to drink, and loved when I wanted to love.
When it suited me, I descended on the capital. I killed, ate, and pillaged as I pleased.
When I had my fill, I’d return to the mountain…

I admired many things. Flowers, the moon, handsome men, lovely maidens, precious stones, fine goods, opulent drinkware…

  1. …You killed people?
  2. …You sound like you enjoyed it.

[1] Shuten-douji:

More or less.

[2] Shuten-douji:

Of course. I’m an oni, after all.
I raged, loved, and laughed as I fancied, without a shred of remorse.
That’s who I am. Humans enjoy that as well, don’t they?

Shuten-douji:

I rather enjoyed the days I spent there, but they were not to last.
The officials and sages of the capital grew terribly upset.
They sent Minamoto no Raikou — the next master builder of the famed Minamoto clan — and the Four Heavenly Kings to stop us…
…*sigh* That was such a fun evening.

He’d been after me before, that blond-haired, blue-eyed child. And so he came again.

  1. Sakata Kintoki?
  2. Golden?

Shuten-douji:

Yes, him. He’s just a boy, yet so adorable, you know?
In life, he was just an unwanted blond child. But here, he’s taken such a liking to Western ways.
…*sigh*. When I look at that body of his, it brings me back.

That night, if things had gone better, I could have torn out those dragon arm bones and made wine out of them.
What would they taste like, I wonder? I’d love a sip.

Anyway, it was a delectably murderous evening that ended in victory for the other side.
I was served poisoned wine…
Well, they got me drunk, and it was over.

Divine Demonic Poison Wine! Of course I’d drink something like that if you dangled it in front of me!

  1. …They attacked while you were asleep.
  2. Got any regrets now?

[1] Shuten-douji:

That’s right. While I was taking a pleasant nap, off came my head.
Even now, I can recall the boy’s face. The stories say that it didn’t finish me off.

[2] Shuten-douji:

Huh?
Not really. I savored those moments.
I killed and devoured on a whim. Of course they would come for my head.

Ahh. But, I wanted to look into those blue eyes once more.

  1. Your heart’s in another place.
  2. Do you love him?

Shuten-douji:

Oh, my. What a topic. Could it be?
Does it make you jealous when I talk about other men?

Hee hee hee. You’re a brave one, fearing the oni of Mount Ooe while being jealous of the boy. I’m impressed.

Come on, why don’t you get a little closer? Let’s not waste this chance to teach you a passionate lesson.

  1. Passionate?
  2. What-

[Shuten closes in on you. Suddenly, the door opens.]

Sakata Kintoki:

‘Sup, chief? How goes the training? Good to hear! Let me join you-

Shuten-douji:

Well, speak of the devil! He actually showed up.

Sakata Kintoki:

Sorry, chief, I just remembered I gotta go somewhere! Right, I forgot to eat breakfast!

Shuten-douji:

Hold it. That’s obviously a lie.

Sakata Kintoki:

Whoa, let go of my collar! You’re not a cat! You’ll wrinkle my shirt!

Shuten-douji:

Even a cat can be a tiger if it suits her.
Did you really think you could just leave after barging in on us when things were just getting exciting?

Sakata Kintoki:

L-Like I give a damn about your excitement! It takes way too many calories to be your partner first thing in the morning!

Shuten-douji:

You’re wet behind the ears as always. Come on, it’s fine.
It’ll be entertainment for our drinking party…
…I’m sure there’s a way for the three of us to work up a sweat together. How about it?

  1. Together-
  2. A sweat-

Sakata Kintoki:

Are you crazy!? You gotta, y’know, do things in order!
There’s lots of reasons we can’t! Isn’t this too risky in broad daylight!?

Shuten-douji:

Yes, yes. Say that while looking into my eyes.

Sakata Kintoki:

I am! You just can’t see me through my shades!
…Tch, and in the first place, tryin’ to invite me in that wide-open getup-

Shuten-douji:

Hup.

[Shuten hits Kintoki. He falls.]

Sakata Kintoki:

Gah!?

Shuten-douji:

Quiet. Let’s go.

[in the control room]

Mash:

Huh, Senpai? Shuten and Kintoki?
What’s going on? Kintoki looks like he really doesn’t want to be here…

  1. Shuten-douji…
  2. Good timing, Mash.

[1] Mash:

Yes, Shuten-douji…?

[2] Mash:

I’m happy if you’re happy, Senpai.
Sorry, I mean, what are you doing in the control room? We’re currently performing maintenance…

Shuten-douji:

See, there is a way. That “shimureshon” or whatever it’s called. We’ll just borrow that for a bit.

Dr. Roman:

Wait, what? You’re going to use the combat simulator? Rei-shifting isn’t possible while we’re tweaking the systems, but sims should be fine.
I had a feeling there would be trouble when you showed up, but it looks like I got worked up over nothing.

Sakata Kintoki:

It’s no big deal, but-
Hey, this is what you meant by working up a sweat together!?

Mash:

Sweat???

Shuten-douji:

Oh ho ho ho ho ho! What did you think I meant? I was talking about training, of course. Weren’t you working out?
After all this, I can hardly contain my excitement. I don’t think I can stand it much longer if I don’t blow off some steam.
Would you mind joining me, boy? Master and Mash, as well.

Mash:

If Senpai doesn’t mind…

  1. There’s no helping it now.
  2. Muscle training in the morning!

Shuten-douji:

Good, good. That’s the spirit. I knew you were my type.

Now, come at me with all your might, boy.
Like you mean to kill me. Pretty please?

Sakata Kintoki:

……

Shuten-douji:

It’s been such a long time, boy. I want more, more, more, more…
I want to sweat with you more. I want to bleed with you more.
Until I can’t tell the difference between our flesh and bone…
I want us to slaughter each other in the floating world.

Sakata Kintoki:

…Good grief. You’re a troublemaker no matter where you go.
You’re supposed to be a Servant, though imperfect. I thought you’d settle down and be a bit more ladylike for once…
But I guess I didn’t need to worry after all! Bring it! I’ll break off those horns and make you cry!

Shuten-douji:

Oh ho ho! Excellent. Master, shall we fight together?
The boy is cute, but he has the ferocity of a bear. Why don’t we work together to thrash him?

Sakata Kintoki:

Ha, to think you’d team up with humans!
Wait, are you actually drunk? Are you seeing two or three of me?
Whatever. Come at me, bros! I’ll give you a Golden wake-up call!

Mash:

(They just assumed we’d be a part of it! I mean, if you’re fighting, I’ll fight too!)

  1. They’re awfully relaxed while talking about some really scary stuff.
  2. Let’s do our best to not die.

Mash:

(Yes, Master!)

Shuten-douji:

I expected nothing less from the hunk that caught my eye.
This looks like it’ll be fun. Dear Doctor, would you lend me an ear?

[Shuten gets very close to Roman]

Shuten-douji:

(You can help me, can’t you, Doctor? You’re a very talented man, aren’t you?)

Dr. Roman:

Geh… every breath, gesture, and word that comes out of you is dripping with sex!
Though, as a man, I can’t help but be fascinated by all these sights and smells!
Okay, leave it to me! I’ll mass produce you some Kintokis, somehow!

Sakata Kintoki:

Wha!? Hey, nobody asked me about this, Shuten!

Shuten-douji:

Much thanks!☆ Doctor, let me pay you back for this with an evening drink.
Now… let the banquet begin. It’s time to get drunk, crazy, and furious!

[battle against many Kintokis]

[sounds of battle]

Sakata Kintoki:

Damn, those are some incredible attacks coming from that dainty frame of yours! You’re not pulling your punches at all!

Shuten-douji:

But of course. Did you think even a rotten oni would fight a battle she couldn’t win?
Still, I felt that one… One false step and you’d split me head to hips…
It’s a pleasure to have you come at me so seriously, boy.
But… this isn’t enough for me.
I’d rather we get even rougher in the way adults do, that even village children would fear to gossip about it…

Mash:

(Eh!?)

  1. Kintoki’s pretty strong.
  2. Looks like there’s gonna be a second round.

[1] Mash:

(Y-Yes… Kintoki feels even wilder than usual.)

[2] Mash:

(Yes, this doesn’t seem like it’s over. At least, it feels like they’re going to have another bout.)

Sakata Kintoki:

…Seriously, you haven’t changed a bit after all these years.

Shuten-douji:

I don’t keep up with the latest trends, after all. You, on the other hand…
Hee hee. You look different, but under all the Western livery you’re still the same little boy.
Are you so awkward with women that you’d still hold back against me?
I don’t mind, you know. Do it harder, harder, harder!
If what you want is carnage, bring out the bear!

Sakata Kintoki:

Bear!?

Dr. Roman:

Ah, yes, a bear. A bear… Okay, it’s ready.

Mash:

(We have one!?)

Shuten-douji:

Now, let’s keep going. Bear or boy, I’ll brew you into a fine wine.
Oh, don’t worry, boy. I won’t be sloppy with your blood — not a single drop will touch the ground.

Sakata Kintoki:

Ha, do I look like I’d let you drink me? After I take your head, I’ll paint it crimson with my blood!

Shuten-douji:

Ahahahahaha! Splendid! Such elegance!
How wonderful it’d be to wear your death as makeup, boy! The sight alone would cause even that fool Raikou to sprout horns!

[battle]

Mash:

…Combat simulation complete. It looks like you both only took light damage to your spiritual cores.
And, um, that was a soul eater. Not a bear.

  1. But it said “Bear” on the screen.
  2. I’m just glad everyone’s alive.

[1] Mash:

That was the Doctor’s joke. Doctor, I think that was in poor taste.

[1] Dr. Roman:

Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. I don’t think Shuten-douji would’ve been pleased if I hadn’t, though.
She’s a brutal oni, even if she looks refined. She might even have attacked Gudao out of mere boredom.

[2] Mash:

Yes, you’re right. They were both extremely violent…
But it’s best that everyone made it back safely. You did a great job too, Senpai.

Shuten-douji:

Heh heh, that was fun. Mash and Master, you both fought well.
You’re such a darling for playing along with my fancies, adorable child.
And of course, a lovely show from the sweat-drenched boy as well. A bit spur of the moment, sure, but wasn’t it a nice way to blow off steam?

It was little different from how those fancy courtiers in that capital spent their time composing songs and the like, no?

Sakata Kintoki:

Like hell I’d write songs and haiku again. These days it’s all about sweet bikes, yo.
*sigh* Damn, it’s getting hot in here. I need to cool my face off… You were just playing with me again.
Is this always just a game to to you? Shit, I’m tired…

Shuten-douji:

Hee hee hee hee hee. A game, you say?
Of course, it’s all serious to me.

Sakata Kintoki:

O-Oh.

Shuten-douji:

Hee hee hee. You’re still a child even though you’ve grown into such a big and strong hunk.
Taking lives while drunk on wine. Trading ruses while our flesh intertwines. Isn’t that just delicious?

Right? Don’t you agree, Master?

  1. Y-Yes.
  2. I-I didn’t think you’d lay a hand on me.

Mash:

Y-You’re flinching, Senpai! Get it together!

Dr. Roman:

Pretty impressive. Even Heroic Spirits and Masters are at the mercy of Shuten-douji when she’s been drinking.
Though, I don’t know if that’s just her habit as an oni, or a personal quality of hers.

Mash:

…Yes. I-I’ll do my best, too…

Dr. Roman:

No need to try so hard, Mash. We should get back to the maintenance.

Shuten-douji:

Oh ho ho! Put your back into it, boy.

Sakata Kintoki:

Argh!

Mash:

………At her mercy…


1. The number four is an unlucky number in East Asian superstition.

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